


i've cussed, i've prayed, i've said goodbye (when i'm missing you this much)

by AndiKaneUnderwood



Series: We Are Glee Club [8]
Category: Glee
Genre: Author Is Sleep Deprived, Based on a song, Episode: s05e03 The Quarterback, Gen, I'm Sorry, Minor Kurt Hummel/Sebastian Smythe, Past Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Past Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel, Past Relationship(s), Santanna and Rachel are in the first part, Songfic, The Author Regrets Everything, like it's mentioned exactly once
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-05
Updated: 2019-06-05
Packaged: 2020-04-08 09:01:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19103926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AndiKaneUnderwood/pseuds/AndiKaneUnderwood
Summary: "When I miss you, Finn. I drive your truck. I roll down every window and I tear up every backroad I can find. The pain never goes away, it becomes the dust cloud that chases your taillights. Sometimes, and I hope you don't mind Finn, I drive your truck."





	i've cussed, i've prayed, i've said goodbye (when i'm missing you this much)

I've cussed I've prayed I've said goodbye (when I'm missing you this much)

By: AndiKaneUnderwood

**AU: Alpha/Beta/Omega, Hybrid**

_Santana Lopez: Alpha, Horse Hybrid_

_Sebastian Smythe: Alpha, Meerkat Hybrid_

_Rachel Berry: Beta. Peacock Hybrid_

_Kurt Hummel: Omega, Cat Hybrid_

_Ryder_ _Lynn: Omega, Unicorn Hybrid_

Kurt was in the kitchen when his father called.

The phone rang in the busy room, Santana, Rachel, and he was celebrating Rachel's success. He answered it promptly. "Hello?"

"Kurt." the voice of his father was so desperate and heartbroken. Kurt hadn't heard it like that since they received the news...

Oh no.

"Dad? What wrong?" Kurt asked, the sound of the celebration dying behind him.

"Oh, Kurt, I'm so sorry." Burt began sobbing and Kurt knew it was bad.

"Dad, what is it?" Kurt asked again.

"Kurt, Finn was in an accident. He's in the hospital."

Kurt froze. "No, no, he's fine. I was just talking to him not even an hour ago."

There was another shuddering sob. "Kurt, Finn's in the hospital. They said he's not going to make it."

The phone slipped from Kurt's hand and clattered to the ground.

Santana and Rachel came rushing over, "Kurt? Kurt, what's wrong?" Rachel set a hand on his shoulder as Santana picked up the phone and spoke into it, asking what the problem was.

Kurt's eyes filled with tears. "No." he whispered. "No. No, no, no,  _no, **no**_!"

His eyes blurred and his legs gave out and Rachel followed him down, not knowing what was wrong.

Oh, god,  _Rachel_. What was he going to tell her?

Santana knelt down in front of him and tilted his head up with a hand under his chin. "We're going back to McKinley. You need to be with him. Come on, get your coat. We leave now."

Kurt needed Rachel's help to stand, but he walked just fine, if a little shaky, by himself. He grabbed a coat off the rack, not caring if it matched his outfit or not, just needing to get to the airport quickly. Santana and Rachel helped him when he stumbled and tripped over his own two feet and they somehow made it to the airport, but Kurt had no idea how.

They stood in the line, where kind people allowed the trio in front of them when Santana explained what was happening. Once they managed to get to the desk, Santana informed the lady working they needed three tickets to Ohio as fast as possible.

When the lady got prissy, Santana gave her a tongue lashing and Rachel flashed the credit card her fathers had given to her for emergencies and said, "Money isn't an issue."

The lady finally told them they were lucky and booked them on the flight, Rachel swiped her card, and they rushed to the gate to make the flight. Kurt's eyes never stopped spilling his tears, even when they'd settled into the first class seats Rachel had managed to get them. He kept crying on the plane ride, continuously tugging on the Bond between him and Finn, praying to a god he didn't believe in and telling his brother  _Don't you dare leave yet._

Finn never answered and that was what scared Kurt more than anything.

_Glee~Glee~Glee_

They somehow made it to the hospital without being pulled over for the reckless driving Santana pulled. Kurt had wondered honestly if she was magic and had put a spell on the car or something.

Kurt rushed through the doors while the others parked the car and spoke to the lady at the desk. Once he got the room number, he ran to the elevator and did his best to be patient. It failed, but he was too upset to care.

He ran the whole way to Finn's room and skidded to a stop in front of the doors. He knocked. Carol opened the door. "Kurt."

Kurt wrapped the tearful woman up in a hug and sighed. "I'm so sorry."

Carol pushed away, "He wants to see you, Kurt. Hurry now."

So, Kurt brushed past his step-mother and slipped into the room. It was dark. Kurt wasn't sure how to feel about that.

He stepped up to the bed and sat in the chair, steadfastly ignoring the steady beeping of the heart monitor that told him his brother was dying. "Finn." he murmured. Finn's face was practically one big bruise. It looked awful.

"Kurt," Finn mumbled. "You're here."

Kurt nodded, "Of course I am. You're my brother, how could I stay in New York when you're hurt?"

Finn smiled, "Kurt..." and with a single word managed to say nothing and everything all at once.

Kurt smiled back, watery and small, as Santana and Rachel rushed in as well. "Rachel's here, Finn. You wanna see her?"

Finn's eyes didn't stray from Kurt's face when he nodded, so Kurt didn't move away from Finn's sight as Rachel came up next to Kurt and smiled. "Hey, Finn."

"Rachel." Finn smiled.

"I'm right here, Finn," Rachel reassured him, "Santana's here, too."

"I'm sorry," Finn whispered.

Kurt sniffled, blinking to try and clear his vision only to have more tear take the place of the ones shed. "Why are you sorry, Finn? This wasn't your fault."

Finn smiled weakly, breath trembling. "No. I'm sorry... I'm leaving... you."

Santana, who'd been previously stoic and poised, began to cry. Her tears streamed down her face and mixing with her makeup, causing the mascara to run. Carol pulled a tissue from her purse and silently handed it over. Rachel's tears came quicker and faster as she leaned down and pressed a kiss to Finn's forehead. Kurt froze again, eyes going wide.

He didn't break down though, not yet. No, he had to be strong for Finn. Finn wouldn't want him to cry. Not now. "Finn..."

Finn's brown eyes slid to meet Kurt's green-blue-grey. "Kurt. I'm so sorry... For not understanding... sooner."

Kurt shook his head, knowing damn well what Finn was talking about. "It wasn't your fault. I was an idiotic mess. I should've have pushed you."

Finn shook his head, "I was... small-minded... and a coward... I never should've... let others... hurt you."

Kurt's tears came back in full force. "Finn."

"I wasn't there... in the beginning."

Kurt hushed his brother. "You were here when it counted. I never blamed you for what happened to me, Finn. Don't blame yourself."

Finn's smile, a smaller and subdued version of it, flickered across his face. "I love you, little brother." The clearest words he'd spoken. Kurt didn't have the heart to correct him now, just as he'd never had the heart to correct him in the past.

Kurt offered another smile and tried not to sob as he replied, "I love you too, Finn."

Finn's eyes slid to Rachel and she shook her head. "Don't apologize for a thing. I forgave you long ago."

Santana came forward on Finn's other side, "So did I."

The three made room for Carol and Burt. Finn smiled at them, a full mega-watt smile exactly the same as the ones he used to give in the hallways to each Glee Club member.

Rachel and Santana began sobbing as the heart monitor beeping that had been slowly declining suddenly stuttered and flatlined. Finn's eyes didn't fall closed as it usually happened in the movies when someone died. Rather, they stayed locked on Kurt's and he watched in horror as the light in them died.

There was a shuddering breath and Kurt felt something inside his chest snap. He didn't cry. The tears fell, but he didn't cry. There was a numb feeling that began where his heart was and spread quickly through his entire body. Rachel turned and burrowed into his chest, his hands came up to hug her, but he couldn't take his eyes off of his brother.

His brother's body.

His brother was...

He was gone.

Something snapped back into place and suddenly, there was a sharp pain in his heart and head. Hot, ceaseless pain that whited out his vision and shook his entire body. Tears fell faster and his body kept shaking as the pain got more intense.

It felt like someone had cut him open, reached inside his body and tore out something he couldn't live without. But, then, that's exactly what happened, isn't it?

Kurt's tears overwhelmed him as the sobs came tearing from his throat. He and Rachel crumpled to the ground and Santana joined them, the three of them lost in their grief as Carol and Burt held each other on the other side of the bed.

Because it wasn't just Finn who had been hurt in the crash.

In a matter of moments, merely a few  _heartbeats_ , five lives had been scarred forever.

_Glee~Glee~Glee_

It was a month to the moment Kurt had watched the light leave Finn's eyes. He'd been staying with his father and Carol, unable to go home before the funeral. Santana and Rachel had taken the guest bedroom and stayed with him. Rachel had become practically comatose after they left the hospital. Santana and Kurt didn't want to leave her by herself.

Kurt hadn't seen anyone from Glee since, but Ryder texted once or twice daily to check in and make sure he was okay.

He'd had such a rough time with everything.

Carol hadn't wanted to clean out Finn's room yet **(1)** , and Kurt was okay with that, Carol could take all the time she needed. There would never be a time limit on grief.

Kurt had informed her of this as he made breakfast for them all that morning. And then again when she'd broken down after she expressed that scrambled eggs had been Finn's favorite. (Kurt hadn't been trying to hurt her, he'd been making Finn's favorites to try and console her.) Kurt then went to lay down. It was only 9 o'clock in the morning and already he was exhausted. He closed his eyes and prayed for some kind of peace. It must have worked somewhere. His eyes slid shut and he fell into a fitful sleep.

He woke up suddenly to his cellphone ringing. He sighed, grabbing it off the table and bringing it to his eyes to see who was calling. "Anderson" flashed on the screen and he sighed again, longer and more painful. He answered it and brought it to his ear, "What do you want, Blaine?"

Blaine was silent for a while and Kurt considered hanging up. Blaine spoke before he could. " _Kurt, I... I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do?_ "

Kurt breathed out, silent and angry at this asshole who had hurt him so much. Then, he let go of the frustration and anger. He had someone better now, no need to be upset with something that no longer mattered. "No."

 _"Can I... Can I at least come to the funeral?_ " Blaine pleaded.

Kurt thought about that, wondering if that was a good idea, and was thrown back into a harsh and cruel memory.

_Glee~Glee~Glee_

Shortly before Kurt had decided to give his current Alpha a chance at romance, Kurt had run into Blaine at the mall almost a year ago. Ryder had been with him, they'd been searching for a gift for Ryder to give his Mate, Jade Puckerman, and Blaine had come across them looking through figurines.

When he'd called out, Kurt had gone tense. Ryder had asked him what was wrong, placing a hand on his shoulder and giving him a bit of comfort. Kurt had breathed in and out once before he smiled at Ryder and turned to face his ex-boyfriend. "Blaine." His voice had gone icy and sharp and he felt the confused look Ryder had shot him before he'd shrunk back, becoming quickly overwhelmed by the strong cologne Blaine was wearing.

It made Kurt's eyes water, but he stood firm, determined to make this Alpha turn tail and run as he had so many others before. "What are you doing here?"

"Best place to find a gift, you said so yourself," Blaine replied, smile firmly in place as if nothing had happened. Kurt's growl was primal as Blaine's eyes flicked to Ryder. "And who's this?"

Ryder shrunk back a bit more, attempting to get away from the smell as Blaine stepped closer. He shook his head. So, Kurt snarled and Blaine stopped, even backing away about three inches. "Why?"

"Come on, Kurt, don't be like that." Blaine eyed Kurt, eyes sweeping up and down as if checking for a new Mark.

"Don't be like what? Like you're making us both uncomfortable? Like you're checking me for a new Bond Mark? Like you haven't been speaking to me like you've not done a thing wrong? Bullshit, Blaine." Kurt's lips curled into another snarl and he hissed, eyes glowing gold.

Blaine didn't seem bothered. He folded his arms and huffed. "Nothing happened, Kurt. I don't see why you can't get over it."

Ryder got upset. "Get over it?' he asked Blaine. "You don't just 'get over' rape." Ryder, who'd been inducted into his Pack the moment Kurt had met him, glanced at Kurt and quietly asked, "Is this the guy?"

Kurt glanced back at the younger and nodded.

Blaine looked almost as if he'd eaten something truly disgusting. "I didn't rape you, Kurt."

Kurt hissed again, eyes glowing brighter. "Last I checked when you touch or grope someone against their will and try to have sex with them against their will, that's called rape."

Blaine had the good sense to look afraid. "Kurt, I was drunk."

"Alcohol doesn't give you the excuse. It doesn't change your personality, it removes your senses, lowers your inhibitions. You act with no barriers. So what you might have done seventeen  _years_  into our relationship, you did in seventeen  _months_. I'm not an idiot, Blaine Anderson, and I won't be subjected to sexual harassment or abuse because you wanted to be able to better play a role in a musical!" Kurt's grew to a sharp yell and an attendant took a few quick steps towards them.

_Glee~Glee~Glee_

Kurt pulled himself from the memory with a sigh. "No. I don't think that would be a good idea. Especially considering the last time we saw each other you cause my PackMate to have a Panic attack."

Blaine's cry of outrage was a tangible thing, zooming through the air and practically slapping Kurt across the face. "You can't keep me away!"

Kurt hung up.

The phone rang again.

Kurt didn't answer. He rolled over again and went back to sleep.

This time, he woke up not to his cellphone's generic ringtone, but instead to soft knocking at his door. For a moment, he forgot he was in Ohio. He forgot why he was in his childhood home. He forgot for a split second. Then it all came rushing back and he felt tears sting his eyes. He blinked them away and sat up. "Just a second!"

When he opened the door, Kurt wasn't surprised to see Ryder outside it. "Your Dad let me in."

Kurt offered a small, watery smile and stepped away from the doorway to let Ryder in. "I figured."

Ryder came in and sat on his bed. He'd been there enough times to know he was allowed. Kurt had held him close as he spoke about his own trauma, listened patiently as he raged about his catfish, he held him back when Ryder looked like he wanted to punch something. Kurt had been there for Ryder as much as he could in the short time since their friendship had begun.

The odd thing about Ryder was the fact that, though he was one, he didn't act much like a Hybrid. Most Hybrids took on the traits of their animal counterparts, but Ryder hadn't ever displayed any traits associated with a Unicorn Hybrid. Then, again, there where so few ever recorded, perhaps it was to be expected. Kurt had found that Ryder acted more like a Cat Hybrid than he did anything else.

Kurt sat down next to Ryder and sighed, rubbing one hand down his face. Ryder settled one hand on Kurt's shoulder and purred softly. "I was surprised not to see Sebastian here."

Kurt hummed at the mention of his Alpha. "Yeah. He wanted to come, but he had a final. He'll be flying in soon for the funeral."

"I remember all the other kids cursing his name in Glee practice, saying bad things about him. They said he tried to slushie you and he put rock-salt in it." Ryder gently rubbed at Kurt's arm, trying to bring warmth to the freezing porcelain skin.

Kurt laughed hollowly. "Yeah, he was an awful person back then. He's changed a lot; matured. He and I ran across each other at the store back in New York and he apologized for how badly he treated those of us in Glee Club. Slowly, we went from passing glances and nods to sneaking kisses after classes and under the bleachers of the college gym. Believe me, it surprised me too."

Ryder nodded. "How are you today?"

Kurt shook his head. "I don't want to talk about that. I don't want to think about it. I don't."

Ryder hummed softly. "Alright. What  _do_  you want to do?"

Kurt stood and faced Ryder, offering his hand. "I want to drive."

Ryder took Kurt's hand and stood as well. "Then, let's drive."

_Glee~Glee~Glee_

Kurt raced down familiar backroads at speeds that should tip over the vehicle he was driving. Ryder sat in the passenger seat and watched the passing scenery with little interest. Kurt watched Ryder carefully to make sure he wasn't scaring the younger Omega, but Ryder never once even  _attempted_  to grab the handlebars. He sat up a little straighter at times and his body moved sharply with the curves, but never once did he grab for the bars.

Kurt's eyes began watering as he thought about that trust Ryder was placing in him. The same kind of trust he'd placed in Finn every damned day. The tears began falling and his sobs came rushing out. Ryder was silent as he watched the world go by around them. Kurt pulled the truck-  _Finn's truck_ \- to the side of the road and parked. He bolted from the claustrophobic metal walls and collapsed on the grass. Ryder slowly exited the car as well and sat down next to Kurt. "Can I give you a hug?"

Kurt nodded, throwing his arms around Ryder's body and sobbing into his shoulder. "He's gone. Why did he leave?"

Kurt screamed and cried for what felt like an eternity. He begged for his brother's comfort and he cried when he remembered Finn couldn't help him now. He sobbed and trembled and tears streamed down his face. The tears did not subside until the sky turned orange, then pink, then blue. He looked up at Ryder, who had tears of his own dripping down his cheeks. Kurt was sure he looked like a proper mess. He couldn't find it in him to truly care.

Glasz eyes met oak brown. "Does it ever get any better?"

Ryder bit his lip and shrugged. "I honestly have no idea. I'm so sorry, Kurt."

 _I drive your truck._ _I roll every window down a_ _nd I burn up e_ _very back road in this town._ _I find a field, I tear it up, 't_ _il all the pain's a cloud of dust, y_ _eah, sometimes, brother, sometimes I drive your truck._

_"When I miss you, Finn. I drive your truck. I roll down every window and I tear up every backroad I can find. The pain never goes away, it becomes the dust cloud that chases your taillights. Sometimes, and I hope you don't mind Finn, I drive your truck."_

**Author's Note:**

> Canon divergence in that Carol hasn't cleaned out Finn's room yet, but Kurt still sneaks in and keeps that football and Finn's jacket. (He and Santanna pass it back and forth as needed.)


End file.
